Yesterday you allowed me to see something that I did not understand until later on. It wasn’t something that I was looking for. It’s just something that came across my view. But what I saw kind of threw off my day. I became agitated, irritated, just pathetic. When I had finally gotten to the point to where I became over it, all was well. What I saw still sat in the back of my mind, but it didn’t bother me like it had earlier in the day. I watched the movie of a couple go from middle school to high school with all these dreams to be together forever and what I saw came back to me like a ton of bricks. So when the movie ended I do what many single mothers do in pain. Turn the shower on, turn the music up as loud as I can, get in the shower, and cry my heart out to you. But, instead of thinking about everything that is going wrong, even though that’s how my cry started out, I begin to think about everything you do right. You make everything happen for a reason. If you did not allow me to see what I saw on yesterday, I would not have thought to release myself from whomever I needed to release myself from. I would not have broken soul ties that needed to be broken from my life. A few hours before Valentine’s Day, I cried my heart out to you. Told you how much I love you. I told you how much I needed you. I released my heart to you. I released my life to you. I released my soul and my spirit to you. I fully submitted my life to you. And as I watched the water go down the drain of the tub, I proclaimed the tears in that same water go down the drain forever. I will not have to cry about this again. I told you how I still have the faith to believe in you and Trust in the plan you have for me. I told you I wanted my desire to match your plan and purpose for my life. I believe you are going to give me the desires of my heart because I totally depend on you to have my heart and never break it. I love you. You have my heart Forever and always.
Over two years ago, I was involved in a car accident. It was said that an accident happened behind me and pushed into my car. The third car spun in the air and landed to the right of me facing the other direction and I don’t even know how the car ended up on the left of me, but I was surrounded by damaged vehicles on every side except in the front. My vehicle was the only one able to be driven off the freeway, being that I only suffered damage from behind. Pieces from one of the cars sat on my bumper on the way to get the kids, on the ride home, and even on my way to work the next day, tucked over to the right side. I didn’t notice the pile of glass and screws until I was headed to lunch, while examining the damages in detail before driving off. I decided to get a piece of paper from my car and remove the pieces to the ground so I wouldn’t cut my hand, but I needed to move them out of the way in case I caused any damage to my tire trying to drive away from that spot. As I moved the pieces, I had to sweep them even further as to not damage any other person’s tires. Those broken pieces of glass lead me to believe this is how we do some of our relationships. You can either be the broken pieces sitting on someone’s bumper or you can be the holder of the broken pieces. Either way, both can be uncomfortable.
Be careful causing other’s to bleed from pieces of glass they didn’t break.
My children’s father and I were together for 6 1/2 years before he passed, which left me full of grief, bitterness, and anger. Now, at that time, I wasn’t honest with myself about those particular feelings, but one feeling I was most clear about was loneliness, which was normal after having someone laying next to you everyday for 6 years and suddenly you are alone. I was VERY reluctant on getting in another relationship after experiencing those emotions all at once. I, truly, didn’t want to believe, as a mother of three very small children at the time, I would even be liked let alone loved unconditionally by a man anyway. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve seen many single mothers and fathers get into happy and long relationships after a heartbreak, but that way of thinking I had was a reflection of how I felt about myself. I didn’t have nearly the level of confidence I have in myself now compared to then.
Now, I have only had one or two serious relationships since my ex’s passing. The one thing I tried my best to consider in those relationships were not allowing that particular person to pay for the emotions brought on by someone previously. Just like the pile on my bumper, I didn’t want someone to have to hold on to my broken pieces trying to love me. I knew my heart wanted to love again, but I was afraid. I was afraid of wasting my time. I was afraid of being lied to again. I was afraid of even getting my hopes to be let down. All of those fears led me to not actually be serious about a relationship. I was just meeting guys to talk on the phone to sort of fill the void of companionship. Not saying I don’t have those fears still at times, but I’m learning when you allow God to truly guard and guide your heart, you can’t go wrong. There are situations we put ourselves in for whatever reason that may be, but I’ve found God will allow those situations to teach us lessons and show us what He might have been trying to protect us from.
Be careful trying to love people whole. You may end up losing some of your pieces.
With me trying not to have my broken pieces held, I’ve found myself being the holder of others’. One particular man I was with was deeply hurt in his previous relationship with his children’s mother. I found myself losing my marbles trying to understand why he tended to kind of shut down when things were going in a good direction. Through many conversations, I learned the hurt he experienced caused him not to be able to fully expect good in a relationship. He just wanted to “ride the waves” and I felt like I made more waves with my irrational behavior caused by me not fully understanding what I tried my best not to do in a relationship. I thought me being there and continuing to love him through everything would make it all better, but I had to learn the hard way it would never be possible. While he tried to protect me from his broken pieces, I found myself trying to piece them back together, so to speak, while literally cutting my hands in the process.
Studying the meaning of these pieces left on my car allowed me to take a step back and realize the parts I’ve played in my own heartbreak and even good relationships I messed up with my own hands. First, I had to forgive myself for those parts and trust the process of becoming whole. I knew I could never have a successful relationship if I didn’t deal with things internally within myself. I knew I wouldn’t be able to be receptive to the type of love and companionship I desired. I would just continue to cut others with my broken pieces and even ones I’ve picked up from other’s damages. Second, I had to learn how to effectively love myself. I can almost bet there are millions around the world who look in the mirror daily and find something they don’t like about themselves. I believe when you effectively love yourself, you love the good and the bad because both ultimately make up who you are. If you don’t love you, how can you expect someone else to love you? The good and the bad. We can try because I most certainly have, but the foundation of love starts in you. Love you the way you desire someone to give you love, maybe even more. Be Blessed.
First, I have to say, God is absolutely AMAZING & FAITHFUL. He does just what He says He’ll do. He’s never short in His promises. When I declared “Today is going to be a GREAT day” on yesterday, I never fathomed what God was going to do for me. I’m still in amazement and in awe of who He is in my life. I love God! He is EVERYTHING to me and I am FOREVER His servant. Not for what He does only but for who HE is.
Second, God has revealed soooo much to me about myself in the last four years, I’ll never be able to fully explain it. I learned who I truly was in Him and He strategically placed many people in my life to keep me going and growing in Him and through my VISION. So, it was somewhat hard for me to leave my last job at the Tax Office because I knew I was comfortable. I was also working towards being a Lead Clerk, but there, you had to really be in good with the right people to be promoted.
I left there and went to work with my mom in the Justice Courts, where I had volunteered periodically since high school. Little did I know, 3 months after starting the job, my children’s father would pass leaving me heartbroken and somewhat confused about what God was actually doing in my life. At the same time I felt relieved. My children’s father was my entire life. I loved him with everything in me, but losing him drew me even more closer to God. Also, at the new job I was able to take the time I needed to truly heal and grieve at my leisure. I wouldn’t have been able to do that at the Tax Office.
As time went on, I began to learn almost every aspect of the Courts. I worked hard with truly no intention of ever being promoted maybe for years to come. I knew I would be qualified because of what I knew and my work ethics, but set my mind and heart to believe I wouldn’t be able to be promoted. Not only because the current Supervisors didn’t plan on retiring for years, but because people would believe my mother, who is the chief clerk, would only give me the position because I was her daughter, not because I knew the job and worked hard at it.
In the previous school year, Edwin, Jr. starts kindergarten and begins having issues EVERYDAY. He is later diagnosed with ADHD and Oppositional Defiant Behavior. You can read more about that process in the following link: https://thevisionblogger.com/2019/02/07/yesterday-was-tough/ During the school year, I had a bit of relief because there were people in place at his school to help redirect him if need be, being that the medicine only did so much.
The summer didn’t start off so great. He was getting ready to be removed from the summer program. Just days ago, we started a new medication along with what he’s already taking. It looks like things are much better for now and I believe God is working on that as well. I’m grateful and relieved because in two weeks I will be starting a new position as the new “Traffic Department Supervisor” in another Justice of the Peace Court.
I was interviewed along with others for the position and found myself just happy to even be considered for the opportunity to have an interview. I started the process with the mindset, “God, if it’s for me, it’s for me. If it’s not, it’s not and I’m okay with that.” But God knew what I wanted and He knew exactly what I needed to provide fully for myself and my children. Even after having what was intended for my children be stolen by someone who was connected to their father, God has replaced that and more.
Things I’ve learned through this process:
I will never underestimate what God can and will do for me. He has a Will and it’s all I want.
I will never underestimate myself or count myself out and make myself believe outside of what God has promised. He is faithful and if He promised it, I dare not allow the enemy or even myself to make me believe His promise won’t be manifested.
I will never apologize for what God has placed on the inside of me to fulfill work in the Kingdom and the World. I love me and the way God has made and molded me. I am yet and still on the potter’s wheel and will never be unreachable or unteachable.
I am a witness. God never puts more on you than you can bear. If He allows you to go through it, He’s equipped you with what you need to stand any test or trial. I am ELATED to learn what’s next to come in this journey of life. This short story had to be told to help someone understand and witness through me that God is strategic in everything he does. He has a plan. Don’t be distracted by the pain and short detours. Don’t allow them to make you miss the moment God is using to show you what He wants to do in your life. You may not even understand it all, but find solitude in the fact that He understands it all. He has a plan and purpose. He’s GOD! My prayer DAILY is for someone to be blessed in what God has taken me through, favored me with, and endowed me to do with my hands. Check out my previous post as well with my top 13 Motivational Quotes for moving forward here: https://thevisionblogger.com/2019/06/20/motivational-quotes-for-moving-forward/
My my my, where should I begin Shaped in iniquity born into sin. Father was never around how I wanted him to be & for a long time I blamed myself was blind and couldn’t see. Didn’t feel love from the woman that gave me life. Her & I never got along it was always harsh words, built up hostility, & strife. Feeling like the black sheep of my family, Didn’t surprise me when I ended up in the penitentiary. See I never knew how to properly love Really started to believe there was no God up above. See I was the young girl that was built like a grown woman Which made me desirable in the eyes of grown men & back to back they started coming. No self love or worth didn’t realize the value within myself. Reasons why I allowed guys to use me sexually & place me back on a shelf. Lost & lonely in a cruel cruel world Not knowing or realizing the love I truly deserved. Didn’t care how I acted, cared less on how I spoke Almost seen my last days off some hard laced dope. Raped by who I thought was my sister’s friend During it I really wish my life would end. Withdrew from my family & was always depressed I made myself sick; started having health issues because I was down in the dumps beyond stressed. Because I had so much self hate & built up insecurities I gave birth three times for three different men putting up with all the cussing damning & pure foolery. Accepted lies, disrespect, & all types of abuse Started doing drugs & drinking alcohol daily misuse. My heart was empty & cold that’s when I immediately decided to put true love on hold. First baby daddy held a gun to my head daring to blow my brains out is what he said. He left his mark on me with his hand print he was the first hit to my heart which left a major dent. Second baby daddy allowed his family to disrespect me as the mother of his child. So because I didn’t know how to love properly I attempted to poison him, but it was very mild. Third baby daddy chased me for two months before I agreed to a date. I truly thought I had found my soulmate. Little did I know it was all a facade. He ended up in prison & I found myself playing Bonnie to his Clyde risking it all for a fraud. He was the type that if he couldn’t have me no one else could. I spent many restless nights staring out my window waiting to unload the wood. When I finally was set free I vowed to find myself & walk into who I was created to be. New city new state Looking forward to starting over with a clean slate. Started visiting a place I grew up in. I knew there I was able to forgive myself of all my undesirable sins. Then one day I met this man who captured my soul. With his voice and passion in his words I started to feel whole. I began to feel at peace. Everything I was blaming myself for in my past had cease. I had connected to my confidant, protector, what I thought was an amazing man. I supported him in all his endeavors. I was his biggest fan. Daily conversations & chemistry at its best. My heart beat matched his; I could feel it thru his chest. Every time we saw one another it was an instant attraction. I felt like a giddy school girl who just had her first kiss you could see it in my reaction. I had fallen in love with a man who captured my soul spiritually. A man I could learn from about life but most importantly biblically. As time progressed we started to drift apart. I wondered why, come to find out another female was tugging at his heart. The same way he use to look at me with fire in his eye, That flame had been put out & I was left high & dry. He no longer found the desire to love or help me grow. I was thrown back into the river facing backlash from an upstream flow. Unfortunately I had lost my confidant, but it was bound to happen. See the man I fell in love with so happened to be married. Secrets of us was the most heaviest burden I ever carried. Yes yes we both knew our relationship was wrong, But the feelings I had for him were uncontrollable & so strong. My connector had moved on not only with his wife, but with this other female. The feelings he proclaimed to have for me that ship had sailed. Now, back to this cruel cruel world lost, Promising to find myself by any means necessary, no matter the cost.
We begin at a slow pace, close to the middle but not quite there yet. As you gaze lovingly into my eyes, telling me what I want to hear, you spin us slowly with your foot hanging off the side. Having full control now, you’re to your feet spinning me faster and faster, but instead of love in your eyes, there’s fear. Fear of allowing me to make it to that middle chamber which holds the very depth of you, your heart under lock and key. I look away as to not become distracted for the task at hand, to stand as we spin. Stand for you, stand for me, stand for us. Your heart, I hold the key but I’m getting sick to get to this lock. If I can just get there, the fear would cease, I pray. As I build up my strength to take step by step, you’re no longer focused on me. Your hands are in your pockets. You’re walking away until your body is now dark. I spin and spin as it starts to rain, light showers, light thunder, but I sit now just waiting for you to come back and ride with me. Now the ride has completely stopped and all sickness and dizziness relieved. I make my way to the chamber to find there’s no heart, no lock, no key. The very thing I struggled for, became sick for, fought like hell for, compromised myself and what I believe in for, is gone. Then, in the distance there’s a light. The light appears to be similar to my previous designation, another chamber, but it has no lock, the door is open, just open. I step off the ride with no hesitation, no thoughts besides just getting there. As I get closer, I see the chamber is on another ride and you’re there spinning another round, gazing lovingly into her eyes, telling her what she wants to hear with your foot hanging off the side.
“Sometimes the only way the good Lord can get into some hearts is to break them.”
– Fulton Sheen
Heartbreak, just like Love, is universal. Everyone has experienced it. Some of us have experienced it from family, a significant other, and, even our children. From my own experience, I believe, the biggest issue I may possess is I put a lot of trust and faith in people. I’m the type of person where I always “give the benefit of the doubt”. I have found this to be a blessing and a curse, at times. There’s a blessing in giving people a chance. Sometimes that chance may have been just what they needed to move forward. Now, that chance can be beneficial to you or a life-learned lesson for you, either way that lesson hurt and maybe even more because you took that chance, even after being hurt previously. What I’ve learned through this process is it never stops us from trying again. No matter how many pieces the heart may break into, I’m learning it can always be mended and there’s ALWAYS a blessing believing that much. The featured poets wrote about different types of Heartbreak that we all have felt at one point in time or, even, right at this very moment. Enjoy.
“I wish i were a little girl again, because skinned knees are easier to fix than broken heart.”
– Julia Roberts
“Torn” By Laquiesha Duncan
“In My Feelings” By Rhoshonda Adkison
“How Did This Happen To Me?” By Zahra Bailey
“Turbulent Roller-Coaster Ride” By Kenisha Jones
“How Could A Dad Break Your Heart” By Octavia Jones
The touch it gives places me in a space of comfort and safety when I am neither content nor protected.
I lay my sight upon its face with eyes filled with pureness and generosity, which can only be given by a true lover or a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
As the well-known song is played bursting with ready-made promises, I defend its character instantly and put my trust in these common lyrics that tend to attach themselves to my heart like stitches, binding the wounds made by another.
As my tears flood my ears, like the lyrics, feelings of hope and peace wipe them away, giving a sense I thought I lost.
The taste of my sweetness on the lips of this imagination displays willingness to devour all of me with no limits, giving the complacency of love to take a good grip.
With all these senses, I gain remorse and shame, despair and agony, resentment and anger, which cost me my ambition, my confidence, and nearly my life.
This love gave me sense. Sense enough to live, even if it was just a fantasy.
In life, as humans, we allow things that happen in our lives to hinder us from moving forward. I am guilty of doing this several times and not just in the past seven months, but most of my entire life. I have let fear, unhappiness, and anger cause me to become stagnant going absolutely no where. I let fear of being hurt or rejected cause me not to do something or go somewhere. I let unhappy situations or lifestyles hinder my growth as a person causing me to settle for what I did not deserve. I allowed anger to scrutinize every person I meet or come in contact with. I have come to the conclusion that I no longer want my past to hinder me from receiving what God has for me. I have learned, more now than ever, that if I am destined to have something or someone, be somebody, or go somewhere, it has to happen. The only person who can stop it is me.
In an activity with some of the ladies from my church, we had three strips of paper. On one strip, we wrote our God-given name. On the second, we wrote our nickname. On the last one, we wrote something that is important to us. As a mother, I was going to immediately say my children because they are my life. But, the woman giving the assignment stated that we could not put our children. So, I began to think about something immaterial that is important to me. My Heart. I love with so much power and might that I sometimes neglect myself, my well-being, and even my dignity. I have never regretted loving anyone with this type of love, no matter how much it hurt me in the end. In showing this type of love, my heart has been broken into several pieces many times to where I felt it could never be mended back together. Even in the mist of being in pieces, I would always allow love to be given and taken in. I have found that my heart is being held in an open glass. I’ve been holding it hostage, trying to protect it and I have found that The more and more I try, the more vulnerable I become.
I have to move forward from here. I deserve every piece of love my heart can hold. And it starts with me. I am going to love every part of me without limits. I am going to love myself with a vengeance, an unrecognizable, unexplainable force. I want this love for me to be so strong that it spills over into everything I do and who I come in contact with. I will love again and I’m going to love so hard that instead of my heart shattering, if it is ever hurt again, it will have just a missing piece. My love will be so strong that I can put it back.